Do not READ this if your looking for some good travel advice, I'm not traveling anywhere today.
I did not want this blog to become a narration of my daily life, but more of a positive reflection of fun places I go, a reminder of happy times and exploration. I'm afraid that in this space today, I lead my writing into a direction of when reality hits the fan. I am not in a place of feeling sorry for myself, but honestly and truly sad about my existence and where I have allowed my life to go. It seems of late that so many things of my past are coming back to haunt me. The decision or lack of making such decision has finally hit me hard in the face, and so there can be no more bitchen, no more poor pathetic me, no more sweep it under the rug, no more denial is bliss, no more being BLIND to the truth.... I must Officially put on my "really" big big girl panties and make some changes. So please if you are not interested in my boring life, and the daily in's and out's of my reality, STOP reading now! Because several pieces of this entry are about how my reality Bites!
Sunday, my family arrived a about 7pm, and the evening went quick after that. The neighbors have been cutting down tree's in their yard, and Greg (my neighbor) had accidently had one fall on his roof. There was no damage as it appeared, but he was struggling to get the tree down. Mark tried to help, but they really needed to have someone on the roof to get it moving or else loose the gutters. Our little step ladder barely gets me to the garage storage, so we soon found out that would not get Greg to the roof. I called David and Renee who had a long much "cooler" ladder then ours and soon the tree was off the roof and no gutters harmed. Gavin asked for a sleep over, and Tucker came to join us for the evening and today. It is now 9:30am and there is no movement, I can't imagine how late they were up.
I had two offers before 8am for some per diem hours one being this morning, which I could not do, but the others were later this week. OMG I will be working in Inpatient on Wed, Thur. and Sunday. All 8 hour shifts. I'm a little nervous as I haven't done a full eight hour shift in over two years...I know sounds pathetic. I hope I am not going to be cursing on Wed or Thursday or Sunday about having to go, I KNOW I WILL, but we so need some extra money. That's 24 hours of work and that will be a nice extra chunk of change for our new budget plan. Mark and I are working on better money management, as it is clear I will not be getting back to work right away. Maybe the delay in the work will be a better thing overall. I am trying to just roll with the punches and FOCUS on the gifts of today. Sometimes it can be TOUGH! I have a few things to address today; laundry, dishes, pool cleaned and shocked and I have to make a trip to the bank to deposit the money for my last order. This evening is football practice in full gear. Other then that today I anticipate a long lazy drift in the pool with my Games of Thrones book.
I was feeling rather accomplished as the day progressed. I have made a list and designed a chart to monitor the finances and made several calls to the area cable companies to examine "deals", realizing that they all are about the same price, so I think once again we are just going to stick with what we have. I do plan to call and ask what can be done to lower our current company bill however. I also contacted the IRS and did some negotiating with them, (we still owe a significant amount dating back to 2007, what a headache.) Gavin and Tucker enjoyed the pool, some video games and cards.
Later my eldest came home. I asked him to play babysitter while I picked up my daughter. Apparently, this is what happens when you leave older (and supposedly wiser) brothers home to care for your youngest. Hacky sack Fireballs...Really guys!!!!
Doubt, I will be getting any requests from the neighbors for his childcare assistance.
The day continued, and there was no more fire play, and feeling empowered with many of the plans I began to implement with the bills etc. I was thrilled to death when I found a $20- bill tucked behind some shopper club cards in my wallet. Now I can pay cash for the chlorine needed. Horary! My gratitude changed quickly however, as the day progressed and my husband, who has surrendered at my demand, all the financial burdens go my shoulders, announces that his outstanding college loans are what have been impacting our budget for these last several months. (could have told me that before). Now I am thinking that perhaps my own very detailed already tight budget might not be enough cash flow to get us through. Crushed, I decide we with figure this all out and prepared for football.
We took Riley with us to practice and Gavin was all geared up. I forced myself to not get caught up on my now ever present reality that we will be even tighter financially then I had hoped, and took a nice stroll with the dog into the woods around the field.
I forced myself to take a longer look, find a peace somewhere in those fields of wild flowers, and really really tried to just "let go". I even took some pictures.
I tried very hard to be in that moment in the woods. "nothing else matters, but what is here right now" I say to myself in an attempt to calm my mind. It seems to work just a little and then the puppy yanks the leash and my solitude is interrupted and I am back with the awful reality of things. It's only money right? We have made it through worse and survived. No one has ever Died from debt or gone to prison for that matter. (At least not debt from JcPenny's or your College Loan...a Loan Shark...well maybe, and since at least to my awareness, we do not owe to a loan shark none of us are going to die as a result.) I get back to my solitude as I pull on the leash of my current nemesis of annoyances..... this new puppy, and walk back to the field to view my son who is clearly struggling with the idea of the tackle.
These kids hit hard and despite my son's weight, he is only 10 and has never played before. I watch and wait for any signs from the sidelines if he's okay. If he isn't he doesn't let me know.
The sky changes from light to dark.
The days getting shorter already, I curse at myself for not maximizing this summer better. Another negative thing to focus on. I comfy myself in the fold out chair right where we have sat now for every single practice since Gavin started two weeks ago. Getting him started, getting him convinced to stay committed and finally feeling, at least we got that part over with, now we just have to keep the momentum going. Confident that we will not hear another "I don't want to go to practice" again, I feel pretty positive that challenge is over. Practice ends. The coach calls me over...I feel the dread spreading through my body like poison. He doesn't look hurt, no limping, no blood. Did I miss a power crunch he was involved in? The coach proceeds to tell me that my son is over the weight restriction and cannot play until he looses 15 pounds. OMG! I know he is chunky...hell I'm chunky!! After that news, I don't remember much. The world as I knew it all just seemed to swallow me up I was enraged, hurt, angry again, I wanted to punch someone, kick something I wanted to shout "HOW"...but then I KNEW HOW!!! I always KNEW HOW!!! It was like I always KNEW HOW we were sinking in a hole of debt... I always KNEW that we were making poor choices with our son, I always KNEW that I wasn't willing to STEP UP TO THE PLATE and DEAL WITH WHAT WAS IN FRONT OF ME! In my head I pass the buck, and resort back to old patterns...if his Dad would stop over indulgencing him... stop buying chips, and sweets....if my husband was ONLY better with money...stop buying things we don't need. I have to slap myself back to the honest fact that my husband and my son's father was NOT alone on this journey....and take a long look at my role...my part....take my responsibility for this. By now we are home and I am so overwhelmed with emotions I crack and I begin to sob and sob and sob. I cant stop. It occurs to me...I am terrified! As I type I can only leave this entry with hopes for a better entry tomorrow.