Thursday, October 27, 2016

Finding Gratitude in Resentments; living in the NOW.

Liverpool/Syracuse NY
October 1-8 2016


Fall has always been my favorite time of year. The cooler weather, leaves changing, pumpkins, Halloween!!! This season has started off slow, summer ended much to abruptly and I have not prepared to embrace all that the season offers. Mostly this season has had me busy with apple picking, walks in the woods, corn mazes, wagon rides into pumpkin patches, costumes for the one night of the year you can be anyone you want...this year I look and the calendar reports its already the 9th of October. When will I fit all those fall activities in?
Feeling I missed the summer experience and that Autumns morning chill, although welcomed has been thrown upon me....I'm missing the season.

One last seasonal  BBQ


Quick...lets have an indoor BBQ before it is too cold to be outside..quick lets get outdoors and admire the leaves changing before they have all fallen to the ground and the sky is gray. Quick loose 100 pounds to fit into that perfect Halloween costume. Time just always seems to sneak up on me...days here and now gone. I think of the moments when I have said to myself..."just hurry up and get to...."  I suck at in the moment!!!

This weekend had a way of really forcing me to look at these moments. The moments that we have with the people in our lives. The experiences I take for granted. The people that mean so much to me,
The week had been busy. Work was all the more stressful then norm. I had obligations to friends this weekend. A son who was insisting on his time as well. A house that demanded cleaning, a new gym membership that awaited my attendance....and after arriving 2 hours late from work on Friday...all I wanted to do was be resentful of the inconvenience.

Friday, I had told my dear friend Kelly I would be there to meet her and her new male friend at a local tavern as his band was playing.
 As Friday went, an absolute CRAZY day at work and my last appointment going over by 2 hours, by the time I got home (gym missed). All I wanted to do was sit...heck with sitting I wanted to lounge, stuff my face and gorge on anything brainless on tv.
Then there was that obligation. Text asked....Are you still meeting me? Of course I am that is what friends do. RESENTMENT RESENTMENT!!!! I had to drag my hubby into it too of course.
So off I went with an agenda....quick say hello, have a drink, listen to a few songs and hit the road...I had tons of lounging ahead of me that evening.
 Instead....I found that I was having a great time. Yes, the place was a bit of a hole in the wall. Yes there were some pretty INTERESTING people. ( I seem to attract them) Yes, my chicken fingers were pretty unappetizing and the french fries even I struggled to eat....BUT!!!! The company was fun...the beer was cold...and the band was amazing... We stayed for nearly all three sets, and I could have stayed longer if I hadn't noticed that hubby was starting to fade.
Some pictures of the band, Rockinspiel. Kelly's new beau Tim is the lead singer.
They played some of the classics, and I sang along to almost every one. After a few drinks I was dancing too.
Tim seems like a really nice guy, and I am so happy for Kelly. Things seem to be going very well for her. I was so happy to have to opportunity to catch up.
We were home by 11 and the bed was very welcomed.

Saturday morning I woke to RAIN!!! RESENTMENTS started almost immediately. OMG!!!! It's raining and I have committed myself to walking for a cause. Okay, so now the real me comes out....At 7am that morning I was complaining in my head about committing to a cause, the very important cause of Suicide Prevention.

I had promised my friend Renee, I would walk with her team at the Out of The Dark Suicide Prevention walk.
I putts around the house sulking until about 9:30 and decided I'd better get myself ready to go.


As I was about to head out the door, my son announces that he wants to go to the gym when I get home. RESENTMENT!!! The last thing I want to think about is walking four miles then coming home to go to the gym. MAN!!!
As I sat in Renee and David's back seat heading to the cause unsettled, Renee informs me that my donation never made it to her team account. WHAT!!! Just another thing to irritate me, I thought.

 It appeared that nothing was going to get me out of my funk! At least my donation went to the same cause.
It wasn't until we checked in and the rain began to cease that my feelings were swayed. The reality of what I was doing became more REAL. Suicide is a REAL!!! And it happens far to much. I cannot imagine the pain someone must feel to make a decision to take their own life. This walk, this coming together to voice support for the family's and loved one is so much bigger then getting a little wet and walking on a Saturday, when I would much rather sit around in my jammies.
 The walls of lost loved ones was a reminder. The cause seemed so much more important to me as I read those tender words from family members in the memory .
 I choose a pin to walk for our friend George. His death had been a shock to all of us. The news of his passing went immediately to some random accident, perhaps a health condition undetected and fatal, Never had suicide crossed my thoughts. George was always happy. The thing I most remember about him was his laugh. To think that he was so desperate and in so much hurt was never displayed to me, his family or his friends.
 The wall of memory reminded me of the pain both of those who have taken their lives, and those left behind.

 Tammy and her neighbor joined us as well. Her neighbor lost her husband to suicide. Tammy was there to witness this loss, and continues to support.
Before the walk the organizer presented words of gratitude.
This women shared her battle with depression.
Her painted picture reflects the darkness she was under with just a small color of hope.
Then they read the names of the loved ones lost. Previous walks sent off the march with a release of doves. Because of the rain, they were unable to release them today.
And then we were all off.

Not to far into the walk we were blessed with music.
Then we walked deeper along the trail, These Ducks enjoyed the creek. Very few of the area fowl are still hanging around as the fall days become chilly.
Fall was expressed in the leaves.
Still a few green leaves hang on.
A brief look out at the lake.
After the walk we headed to the pavilions where there was $3- meals. I had a burger, chips and soda. These life saver cookies were to cute.

Once the walk was completed my legs felt like rubber, my clothing was damp and all I wanted to do was go home...but somehow I felt gratitude for the obligations in my life.  Having such obligations means I have people in my life, people who count on me. People whom I love. I miss you George.